How Can There Be Suicidal Christians?

My Child

It is healthy and good that you are questioning these things.  Come, let’s reason together.

You have been intricately made by me.  I see your innermost being and understand you better than anyone else, including yourself.  Together we can overcome anything.  Nothing is too difficult for me.

I want you to have a balanced life, one that is rich and full.  But, above all, I long for you: because I love you.  I am eager to listen and ready to speak.  So come, let us do this together.

Forever Yours

God

He was absolutely adamant that he was not going to accept Jesus as his Saviour.  “Why would a loving God allow all this suffering?” he said, sitting across from me in my kitchen.

I had heard these arguments before - many times.  My heart sank when I did because I knew that arguing was often futile.  Sometimes, people are so busy complaining, that they don’t want to listen to reason.  So, while he was talking, I asked God to help me to say something that would cut through to the real issue. Instantly I knew exactly what to say:  “You are going to give your life to Jesus today,” I said, the assurance of God behind my words, “when you do, you will have two paths open to you and both are about freedom.  You can learn the hard way, like I did, that freedom cannot be found in the things that the world offers you or you can find true freedom in Christ.”

His eyebrows were raised at my presumption but it did not deter him:  “How can all the religions of the world be wrong?  How can you be so sure that Jesus is the truth?” he asked.  I thought about all the arguments I could answer to this, and picked one:  “Never in my entire life have I found another religion where God is totally about love.  Either Jesus was a madman, a liar or He was who He said He was.”  A pregnant silence followed, then: “Well! I’m convinced.  Let’s say the prayer.”

He chose freedom that night, but I was still learning about freedom the hard way.  The next time I saw him I too was celebrating – with a bottle of champagne.  I was also on heavy painkillers and the liquor went straight to my head.  Later, while my husband was in bed and my daughter and her newly saved friend were watching TV, I took an overdose of sleeping tablets and lost consciousness.

Had I died, people would have asked:  “Why did she do it?”  It is a good question.  The Creator of the Universe is my personal friend, I live in the countryside of Ireland in a gothic house with my three beautiful children and my husband of twenty six years, I enjoy my job as a drama teacher – what could be wrong?  It was true I had problems: crushing debt, debilitating chronic pain and a rocky marriage, but these weren’t new hardships.  So, why was I now shoving a fistful of pills down my throat?  It made no sense.

As I lay vomiting violently the next day, I got a chance to think about this question.  I was shocked by my action.  I wasn’t embarrassed and upset about being alive like I normally feel after a suicide attempt, I was flabbergasted because my action came out of the blue – I hadn’t been feeling that bad!  Claws of terror gripped me as I lay there, suddenly realising that I had not been in control of my actions at all.

At the same time this event took place, I was running a support group. Even though the group was open to all, those who came were mainly Christians.  Many of them either had current thoughts of suicide or had contemplated it in the past.  Some had survived a few attempts.  The realisation that I was not the only Christian with suicidal thoughts led me on this quest to find answers – and so began the journey of writing this book.

How could this be?  How can I have a deep quiet time in the morning with God and then be gulping down a handful of sleeping tablets on top of painkillers in the evening?  It was like I had flicked on some kind of default button:  “Drink, then kill yourself.”  The default button was probably there because of repetition – I had tried to take my own life many times before.  The thought that I might have killed myself as some kind of automatic response, shook me to my core.

“Suicidal Christians!  How can this be?” you might ask.  Perhaps you think this is an oxymoron – Christians are called to have the ‘life abundant’ and failing that they should at least be ‘happy.’ They are certainly not meant to be in a place where they feel they cannot continue to live anymore!

Perhaps you feel guilty about having had these thoughts.  Maybe you doubt your salvation. Maybe you have, like me, reached a point where you see no way out.  This book is written for you.

A modicum of relief may be gained by realising that we are not alone in having suicidal thoughts.  We can read about many people in the Bible who were used and loved by God, but who were also deeply depressed to the point of wanting to die:  David speaks about his ‘downcast soul’ many times in Psalms.  Elijah wails “I have had enough, Lord…take my life.”[1]  Jonah was so distraught he said:  “Take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.”[2]  We hear the anguish filled words that Jesus spoke before his death:  “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death”[3]

According to the World Health Organisation, more people are killing themselves today than in any previous time in our history.  More people die from their own hand than from war, natural disaster and murder combined.  A million people across the globe die by suicide each year - that is an average of one every 40 seconds.  Some statistics report that half of all those who kill themselves are Christians.

A hundred thousand adolescents die by suicide every year.  More soldiers on active duty now die from suicide than are killed in combat.  A 2012 study by the US Dept. of Veterans Affairs found that (on average) 22 veterans kill themselves each day, a total of more than 8,000 a year.  We are our own greatest danger.  In the last 45 years, suicide rates have increased by about 60% worldwide, with global suicide figures potentially reaching 1.5 million deaths by the year 2020.  Suicide has reached pandemic proportions.

The word “suicide” comes from two Latin roots: sui (“of oneself”) and cidium (“killing” or “slaying”).  It is ‘the action of killing oneself intentionally.’

The history of suicide is dealt with in depth towards the end of the book, with a view to answering the question:  “Is suicide a sin?”  People throughout the ages have killed themselves in an endless variety of ways. Some of the stranger methods include: swallowing poisonous spiders, ramming hot pokers down their throats, power-drilling holes in their skulls, injecting peanut butter into their veins, crushing their necks in vices and by jumping into vats of beer.

Each of these deaths leaves devastation in its wake.  On average, between six and ten loved ones are left grappling with the loss and confusion that follows each death – husbands, wives, parents, children, siblings and friends. Each year churches grapple to deal with this tragedy.  Everyone affected wants to know why it happened, if it was their fault and if there was anything they could have done to prevent it.  Many ask why they did not see it coming.

Often, we are not seeking answers as much as we are seeking the comfort we believe the answers will bring us.  We think that once we have an answer our pain and grief will be eased – perhaps so.  These questions are always difficult and sometimes impossible to answer.  However, God can and does comfort, heal and restore.

So, working on the basis that we cannot fix anything before we have admitted that it is broken, we need to admit that this phenomenon exists, that there are Christians among us who are suffering the torment of suicidal thoughts.

This book addresses these issues, but it is also a kind of autopsy with me as the ‘body’.  A medical autopsy determines the cause of death by looking at the physical condition of the body.  A pathologist seeks to find out why a patient died by performing autopsies.  A coroner, on the other hand, investigates the circumstances and evidence surrounding the person’s death – why they did such alarming things to themselves in the first place.  This book is less about the method and more about the causes. We will be looking beneath the surface in an attempt to dissect the reasons that lead to suicidal thought.  This is a spiritual rather than the psychological autopsy.  There are many good books that deal with the emotional and psychological components of suicidal behaviour. This one focuses on God and how He can help.

The major traumas I have experienced (kidnap, rape, abuse and even a suspected murder) are scrutinised in an effort to uncover truths.  My frequent suicide attempts, and what triggered them, are laid bare in the hope that this will bring healing to others.  I endeavour to speak candidly about how I have messed up and what I have learnt from the mess.  My battles with alcohol, prescription medication, low self-esteem and chronic pain have been used to illustrate how it is possible to survive, overcome and triumph with God’s help.

Insides are exposed to reveal if any vital organs are missing, how various parts relate to others, how the body malfunctioned and why the essential life-blood stopped flowing.  Once the reasons for our demise have been discovered we will be better equipped to understand what motivates us to do the things we do.

The stories of my life are not written in chronological order, but serve rather to illustrate a point.  I became a Christian at the age of fourteen, so most of these harrowing events occurred after I had given my life to the Lord.

Each chapter concludes with a short prayer. Unwilling to dictate to you how you should speak to God, I have written these in the hope that they spark ideas about what to pray for, rather than dictate the exact way to pray. I leave it up to you to rearrange them, add to them and change them into your own personal way of praying.  There are also prayers at the beginning of each chapter, where I imagine how God would speak to us.

While writing this book, I pictured myself on a ledge talking to a person wanting to jump.  I knew that conversation, I’d had it before…

It was late and I was tired.  Surely it was too late to phone someone, especially someone who I barely knew?  But a persistent feeling told me to phone.  I recognised the Voice and if I ignored it I would feel bad, so I called, unsure about what I would say. I learnt later that he had to take the barrel of a gun out of his mouth to answer that call.  He came to know Jesus as His Saviour that night.  His life was saved, his eternity secured.  Months later when he invited me to watch him sky-dive I asked him why he wanted to jump out of a plane.  His answer was a life-time away from the man with the barrel of a gun in his mouth:  “I used to want to leave my whole life behind, but this jump symbolises me leaving my old life behind.”

Overall, this book is a self-help book that teaches us what to do when life no longer feels worth living.  It endeavours to point the reader to the ‘life abundant’ that Jesus promised:  “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”[4]

I pray that reading this will give you hope and peace or, at the very least, if you are teetering on the edge, that it will help you to see the purpose that God has in mind for you.

You are my God and King and I worship You.

Help me to keep my eyes on You.

Lord, intervene in my life.

Heal me in my innermost being.

Give me hope.

Teach me Lord.

Speak to me as I read this book...

Buying the Book

To read the rest of this book, you may purchase the eBook version HERE or order a paperback version HERE.

[3] Psalm 72 v 12 – 14.